Christine Regan Lake

What Happens When You Discard the Narcissist First?

What Happens When You Discard the Narcissist First?
Christine Bio Photo

Christine Regan Lake

Table of Contents

Narcissist Stalking Signs

How does a Narcissist React to Being Blocked?

How to Get a Narcissist to Discard You?


In this article we will be discussing what happens when you discard a narcissist first, what the signs are that your narcissist is stalking you, how the narcissist reacts to being blocked, and finally how to get the narcissist to discard you.

Being on the receiving end of long-term narcissistic abuse can lead to many challenges, emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially. If you are ready to heal and recover from such an ordeal seeking narcissistic trauma therapy can be a phenomenal way to support your healing journey.

The most important thing you want to remember when you are healing after narcissistic trauma is to be kind, loving, gentle, and patient with yourself. Narcissistic abuse can leave deep seeded wounds that require special attention. More than  likely you were attracted to a narcissist because one of your parents was a narcissist and thus this is what you believe loving relationships look like. 

So, what truly happens when you can discard the narcissist first? 

Below is a list of 16 things that you may experience:

1.    They’ll blame everything on you

A narcissist will never take responsibility for anything. They are the perennial victim and thus they will push all the blame for any of the relationship challenges on you if you decide to discard them first. They’ll say you were too selfish, cold, uncaring, and uncooperative while implying that they were the only ones holding the relationship together. You should expect that they’ll paint you as the bad guy.

2. They’ll try to bargain with you

Another tactic they may try is to bargain and negotiate with you to try and make you change your mind. They’ll make all sorts of promises of changing to become the ‘ideal partner’ you’ve always wanted. They’ll now offer to do things that they had adamantly refused to do in the past. They’ll say things such as;

 a. “I’ll stop going out as much as I used to and spend more time with you.”

 b. “Let’s take that vacation to Italy that you’ve been asking about for years to give us a chance to reconnect.”

 c. “I’ll stop working so much and come home earlier so we can have dinner together.”

 d.I’ll start going to church with you the way you’ve wanted.” “Let’s go to counseling, I’m sure we can work this out.”


Photo by Mayur Gala on Unsplash
Photo by Mayur Gala on Unsplash

3. They’ll start a massive devaluation campaign

With the rage, they are feeling from your rejection they may unleash a massive devaluation campaign. They’ll start criticizing and insulting everything you do from your work ethic to your physical body, to your spiritual beliefs.

Their goal is to belittle you to make you feel insecure so you will be too afraid to leave them. The weaker and more vulnerable they can make you, the stronger they feel about themselves and their belief you’ll be too scared to leave.

4. They may threaten physical harm to you or themselves

They might threaten to harm or kill you or themselves if you leave. This is a very desperate attempt to get you to stay. These threats should not be taken lightly and if someone makes such a threat you should contact the authorities immediately.

According to the CDC’s “National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey from 2010 – 2012, “Approximately 1 in 4 women (23.2%) and 1 in 7 men (13.9%) have experienced severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime and the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence is when she or he leaves the relationship.” [1]

5. They’ll start love bombing you

They may revert to their tried and true methods of  love bombing you to try and reel you back into the relationship. They’ll buy you your favorite flowers, and jewelry, offer to take you to your favorite restaurant for dinner and send you long flattering love letters to soften you up so that you will reconsider staying with them. Remember love bombing and devaluating are two phases in the narcissistic relationship that create a chemical bond/addiction to this person so you want to be very aware if they are love bombing you. Realize what this is all about, it’s not about love, it’s about manipulation.

6. They’ll gaslight you

They’ll tell you that you are crazy and no one else will love you the way they do. They’ll try and convince you that you’ll end up alone for the rest of your life if you leave them. They want to instill fear into you that you’re ‘past your prime’ and no one will want you anymore because your too old, too fat, too stupid, too crazy, too high maintenance, etc. They want to fill you with self-doubt about your decision.

They may say that you won’t be able to stand on your own two feet financially so you stay. They’ll use whatever fears or insecurities you have against you to intimidate you so you won’t leave.

7. They’ll fly into a rage

They may fly into a rage and start screaming and cursing at you to fill you with fear. They want to use emotional violence to control and intimidate you. They’re hoping to shut you down emotionally to go into any one of the fights, flight, freeze, or fawn trauma responses.

To get you to stay they’ll bring up all the things from the past that they have ever done for you to make you feel guilty for leaving them.

9.They’ll want to control the narrative

They will go to all of your family and friends and craft a story and narrative that makes them look good and blames you for the ending of the relationship. They’ll bring up old stories from the past where they paint themselves as the doting husband/wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend to paint themselves as the dutiful partner. 

10. Unleash Flying monkeys and smear campaign

They’ll rally their cadre of flying monkeys to do a smear campaign against you. They’ll paint you as the villain and themselves as the helpless victim who took advantage of their love and kindness. The narcissist will use the discard as a way to gain a narcissistic supply from others to make them feel sorry for them. This is why narcissist tends to have a group of people from whom they can get their attention and adoration from. There are primary, secondary, and tertiary sources to help them meet their needs.

If they are spiteful and vindictive they may go to the police station and file a false report against you for domestic abuse. You may want to keep any evidence you have against your ex-partner to protect yourself from false accusations [2]

11. They’ll throw you out

If you’re living with them they might throw all your stuff out on the lawn, or box it all up when you are at work and leave it in the garage. They’ll give you back anything that you gave them. They’ll try to erase any sign you were ever in their life.

Or, I’ve seen cases where their partner goes to work, and when they come home the entire house is empty and has been moved to their new house. There is any number of ways a narcissist will seek their revenge on you for committing the unforgivable offense of discarding them first.

12. They will immediately replace you

Narcissists can’t be alone so they will immediately replace you with someone new to fill their need for narcissistic supply. They may find someone new altogether or circle back to one of their past lovers. More than likely they may have felt you pulling back from them before you finally discard them and thus they go out to seek their next supply before this one dries up completely. 

Photo by Merakist on Unsplash
Photo by Merakist on Unsplash

Narcissist Stalking Signs

What happens when you discard the narcissist first? They may begin stalking you. What are some of those signs?… 

  1. They will conveniently start showing up at the places that they know you frequent. Your favorite restaurant, the gym, or the local diner. 
  1. They may stalk you on social media reading all your posts and looking at the people who are responding to your posts.
  2. They may start asking friends and family about you to get updates on what is going on with you.
  3. They may start calling or texting you a lot, sometimes obsessively. They don’t want you to forget them so they will keep inserting themselves into your life. They may call to say you left a few things in their car or house and want to bring them to you.
  4. They may start posting pictures of themselves on social media with new women or men in the hopes you are checking on them to make you jealous.
  1. They might send you flowers in an attempt to warm you back up to them so they can inch back into your life.
  2. They’ll state that they want to ‘stay friends’ after the break up as a way to remain in contact with you.

They may try to have post-break-up sex with you to try and get you back. Make sure you resist this temptation. 

How does a Narcissist React to Being Blocked?

  1. They’ll probably treat it as a personal attack against them and throw a tantrum and get angry with you and start blasting you on social media.
  2. They may try to contact you via other means, online social media, email, dropping by your house, etc.
  3. They might execute a smear campaign against you to your family and friends to make you look bad.
  4. They may seek revenge by doing spiteful things; they might try to sue you for everything they can get in the divorce, break things that matter to you, key your car, or take money out of the joint checking account. 

How to Get a Narcissist to Discard You?

  1. Use the gray rock technique – Narcissists feed off of your energy. If you refuse to give them your energy they will be forced to go elsewhere to meet their need for narcissistic supply. 
  2. Start setting boundaries – Narcissists love to walk all over you. They can’t handle it when they can’t manipulate people to give them what they want emotionally, mentally, physically/sexually, or financially. If you suddenly develop boundaries you are hindering their ability to get their needs met and will be forced to find someone new to manipulate.
  3. Call them out on their behavior – A true narcissist does not like being called out on their behavior. They are happy with their victim mindset and will not want to spend time with people who openly call them out for their bad behavior. If you do this, they may get fed up and discard you first.
  4. Let them know that you are no longer going to accept their narcissistic abuse. When you learn to use your voice they will realize they are losing control over you and this will be a big turn-off for them.
  5. Start spending more time with friends and family to help you heal from this relationship. Let them see you have a life outside of them. Narcissists like to keep you isolated so you are easier to control.
  6. When you start spending more time with family and friends without them it makes them feel insecure. They realize you have a life outside of them and that makes them feel threatened. They may see the writing on the wall and break up with you.

[1] National Statistics about Domestic Violence – Connecticut Coalition Against Domestic Violence

[2] Protecting Yourself Against False Domestic Violence Accusations

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