In this article, we will be discussing how to respond to a narcissist’s text message, 14 different ways to respond to a narcissist, examples of a typical narcissistic text, and responding to a narcissistic ex.
The advent of technology has provided the opportunity for narcissistic individuals to taunt and abuse their victims in a relentless manner via both texting and online social media. A recent study found that 13.5 million people [1] are stalked every year in the United States. And, it’s not just women, the study revealed that 1 in 6 men have been the recipient of stalking and harassment at some point in their life. Narcissists can be both male or female – this toxic behavior is not limited to either gender. And, sadly, most victims of stalking actually know their stalker – 40% being a current or former partner and 42% by someone they are acquainted with in their social or professional circle. [1]
What is the Best Reply to a Narcissist?
If you’re currently connected with a narcissist or have recently broken up with one, or been discarded and you’ve decided not to go‘no-contact’ then you may find yourself in situations where they are texting you and you have to decide how to respond to a narcissist text. Healing after a narcissistic break up is a journey and a process. You may find that energy release work is a phenomenal way to support you.
Narcissistic texts will vary from person to person and narcissistic personality type. Generally speaking there will be some shared commonalities amongst the way narcissists text people whom they are trying to extract narcissistic supply from.
You may find that these texts arrive at off hours, extremely late in the evening or in the middle of the day. More than likely they will reach out to you when they are bored and just looking to kill time or they are feeling a sudden need for narcissistic supply.
Unfortunately the evolving technology has empowered narcissists to be able to monitor and harass their victims in ways they were not able to previously. A report in 2006 revealed that 23% of victims of harrassment and stalking had experienced some form of cyberstalking via texting or emailing.[2]
And, there is usually a goal that they have in mind when they reach out to you which can be:
- They might be reaching out to hoover you back up after a break up
- They may start lovebombing you to suck you back into their pool of narcissistic supply (which will only last as long as they think it needs to before they start devaluing you again.)
- They may start to gaslight you and make you question yourself, your life, and your decisions
- They may be in need an energy fix and want you to give them love, affection, or attention
- They may pick a fight with you to get negative attention
- They may try to guilt trip you into doing something for them – just another way to hoover you back up
- They may want to ask you for money
- They may be seeking confirmation that they can reel you back in at any time and once you are interested they will disappear again
If you’ve been in a long-term relationship with the narcissist you may find that it is difficult to let them go and you’re vulnerable to their manipulations to get you back. If you feel that you are struggling to move forward you might want to seek online therapy.
Once you have broken up with a narcissist you may find that you are exhausted, burned out, and it feels like your world has dropped out from under you. I always encourage my clients to do a detox after a breakup to cleanse and purify their body. And, to practice valuable self-care practices. Narcissistic relationships place an incredible amount of stress on the body because it keeps you in a constant state of fight or flight.
Examples of a Narcissist's Text Messages
Knowing what to expect when a narcissist reaches out to you can help you better prepare for how to respond to a narcissist text message, if you’ve chosen not to go no-contact you might be self-sabotaging. And, you’ll find that you are processing a lot of emotions and their text may really trigger you.
Below are some examples of how he/she may reach out to you.
#1 The Avalanche
If you work for a narcissist you may find that just after you get home after putting in a full day of work they bombard you with an avalanche of text messages asking about an important project or imploring you to respond to an emergency situation at work. He/she will have no regard for the fact that you are no longer at work and are entitled to personal time.
Your personal boundaries are of no consequence to them. If your narcissist is a lover or spouse you may find that they send you a barrage of text messages just after you arrive at work. They may need you to run an errand for them after you get off work, or they simply need you to call them because they are having some kind of emergency and can’t manage without you. And, if their text messages don’t work they’ll resort to calling you multiple times until they get you.
Again, there is no honoring of your boundaries and the fact that your focus needs to be on work at that time.
A common trigger for a narcissistic avalanche could be that they are feeling vulnerable or insecure about the relationship and need your attention to ease their fears of abandonment.
Also, if you are successful at work they may try to sabotage you because they are jealous and envious of your success and fear that if you become too successful you might leave them due to their abandonment wounds.
#2 Loveboming
If you suddenly find that you are on the receiving end of extremely lovey-dovey text messages it may mean that the narcissist has reverted to the lovebombing to try and get you back in. They may be experiencing feelings of vulnerability and triggered into deep abandonment wounds and want to reel you back in to make sure you don’t go anywhere.
They might say things like:
I miss you so much. Will you be coming over tonight?
Just thinking of you and wanting you to know how much I love you.
I can’t wait to see you tonight. You’re coming over straight from work, right?
I’ll have dinner ready for you when you get here my love.
I’ve never met anyone as perfect as you are. We’re perfect together.
I think you’re “the one.”
I think it would be so awesome to move in together.
You’re the only person I want to spend time with now.
I think we’d make beautiful babies together.
I can’t live without you.
You’re the only one who really understands me.
Lovebombing can feel amazing when you are on the receiving end of so much positive attention but it comes at a cost. It is actually part of something much more insideous – trauma bonding. Because after the lovebombing will come the devaluation phase and that back and forth of positive and negative emotion will create a chemical addiction in your mind to that narcissistic individual and it will make it harder for you to leave the relationship and you won’t understand why.
#3 The 911 Text
The purpose of this text will be to make you believe that they are in a genuine emergency and need your attention right now. This will be writtent to generate the maximum effect to get you to call them or take action immediately.
They want to trigger the strongest reaction in you as possible to generate the greatest narcissistic supply response. They are pulling the victim card and want you to be their rescuer. Don’t fall for it. Don’t let yourself be manipulated.
If you are like many victims of narcissistic abuse you may be an empath and pathological overgiver which they have become used to so they will expect you to jump when they call.
A typical 911 text messages might say:
OMG, I’m freaking out, can you come over?
I need to talk. Can you call me asap? It’s really important.
Can I come over right now? I really need to talk.
Can you come over? I really need you right now. You’re the only person I can talk to.
I’m having an emergency. Can you call me?
#4 The Authorititive-Demanding Text
This text will be positioned from a state of authority. They’ll typically be telling you what to do, or demanding you to do something for them. This authoritative stance feeds their delusion of grandiosity that they are somehow above you and able to order you around like you are a servant at their beck and call.
And, the more you respond to this demanding behavior the worse it will get. It will become clear to them that you are easily manipulated and controlled. Gain the upper hand by seeing and understanding the motivations behind this behavior and don’t fall prey to it. There is a difference between politely asking someone for help and demanding something from another person as an expectation.
Authoritative, commanding, or demanding texts can be written as:
I need you to come in at 5am tomorrow because an emergency has come up and I need your help in the office.
On your way home from work stop off at the dry cleaners and pick up my suit.
Go pick up the kids from school!
You can’t spend money on yourself!
We’re not taking vacation this year, I’ve decided we need to save money.
Follow me to the mechanic. I have to drop off my car for servicing.
How much did all this cost? Did I give you permission to spend this much?
#5 Gaslighting
Gaslighting is one of the primary means of manipulation a narcissist uses in their interpersonal relationships. They like to keep their victim in a perpetual state of fight/flight as they walk on eggshells never knowing what might set off the narcissist.
You’re nuts.
(When you question them about something that doesn’t add up.)
I never said that.
(When you are repeating something hurtful they said.)
You’re not remembering things right.
(When they want to confuse the situation and make you think you’re mistaken.)
It wasn’t me. I didn’t do that.
(When they refuse to own their toxic behavior).
#6 The Coffee Klatsch
This is the text you’ll receive when the Gossiper wants to gossip. Narcissists love to gossip. They love getting a group of people to gang up on another person or to do a smear campaign against someone who they feel has irritated them or betrayed them in some way. They will typically gossip to their crew of ‘flying monkeys.’ They are constantly pitting people against each other and triangulating people. This gives them a sense of power.
Some texts you might receive when they want to gossip:
You are never gonna believe what I heard. Can’t wait to catch up.
OMG…. wow… Call me later. I have to tell you something.
You’re friends with “X” right? I just heard some crazy stuff about her/him.
Do you have time to chat? I just found out something I have to tell you.
#7 Just Thinking of You
The ‘just thinking of you’ text is a way to try and re-start a connection that has come to a close. It requires little to no effort to type out the simple text but it’s an effective way to put themselves front and center into your mind.
The narcissist doesn’t want you to move on from them so reaching out at various intervals with a ‘thinking of you text’ helps to keep you stuck thinking about them.
If they truly cared about you they would simply let you move on in peace and leave you alone, but their primary motivation is to keep a steady cadre of people who they can secure narcissistic supply from.
#8 Thought you might find this interesting…
This text is usually followed by a link to an article, video, or a funny meme. It’s a very low-effort way to re-establish communication and try to start a dialogue with you. They are hoping that you’ll read the article and then begin a discussion about the topic, or that the meme will make you laugh and get you in a good mind-set for them to continue a longer dialogue. This kind of email is an opener to try and get you to re-engage with them.
#9 Ghosting
If you’ve been involved with a narcissist then you are fairly familiar with their penchant for ghosting. They reach out to start a texting conversation with you and then they simply disappear mid-conversation without even saying goodbye.
Ghosting is an effective way to leave someone hanging. They want you to keep checking your phone to see if they have responded back yet and to be disappointed that they dont. This is simply just another mind game the narcissist likes to play to keep you feeling confused about the connection and stuck on them indefinitely. It could also be a coping mechanism for them because they have an avoidant attachment wound.
#10 Sorry that wasn’t meant for you…
The sorry that wasn’t meant for your text is the proverbial “ooops” I’m sorry. An innocent way to try and position themselves when they truly want to connect with you but don’t want you to think they do.
Now, we’ve all made the mistake and texted the wrong person on a reply. I’ve done it myself, but a narcissist seems to have a propensity to do this quite a bit. It’s simply another manipulation technique they use in their arsenal to play with your head and keep you wondering about them.
14 Ways to Respond to Narcissist's Text
- Ignore it and don’t answer it at all – stay no-contact.
No contact is the most effective way to move on from a narcissist. You want to block them on social media, your phone and email.
- Simply hit the thumbs up button
This is a perfect way to respond that requires little effort. It acknowledges that you saw the note and it completes the exchange with no drama.
- The one word answer.
Respond with a simple yes or no and do not embellish anything. You don’t want to encourage any further dialogue.
- Ask a question (gaslighting)
If you have received a text that is trying to gaslight and put you on the defensive you can respond with a question to put the ball back in their court and make them have to answer. Don’t defend yourself, put the onus back on them to explain or defend their position.
- Make a playful response with an lol
You can simply respond with a “That’s so funny.” and a smile emoji or lol. That is a polite response, yet doesn’t try to further the conversation.
- Thanks for thinking of me (link, article, video).
Again, this response is polite, simply, and concise and doesn’t encourage further dialogue.
- I’m super busy. I’ll have to get back to you another time.
In response to them asking you to do them a favor or call them right now, this lets them know that that is not possible at this time and shuts down the discussion.
- Please don’t bombard me with texts while I’m at work.
In response to the avalanche it is important to set your boundaries and let them know that this is not a good time and it’s inappropriate to bombard them with so many texts while you are in the middle of your work day.
- I’m happy to help if you’re polite enough to ask for my help and not demand it.
When you receive a text demanding that you do something you can respond cordially that you are happy to help but that require a polite request of your help and not a bossy demanding note telling you what to do.
- We’ll have to catch up another time. I am heading to a meeting.
In response to the coffee klatch text let them know you are busy and don’t sit and gossip about anyone. It’s important to realize that when you are not there you will be the one they are gossiping about.
- Communicate your boundaries – Please don’t text me after 10pm as I am sleeping.
When they text you late in the evening you can either refuse to respond or respond and let them know it is inappropriate to text you that late in the night.
- Hope all is well with you!
In response to their ‘thinking of you’ text you can responde with Hope all is well with you! It is cordial and stop the communication where it is and doesn’t encourage further dialogue.
- Recommend they talk to someone (In response to their 911 text).
If they reach out to you with a 911 emergency text you can encourage them to reach out and get professional help to either call a crisis line or the police, or other mental health professional. You are not their therapist.
- “If you’re going to be disrespectful to me I will block you.”
This is how you respond when you reach the point where you are no longer willing to put up with their shenanigans. It lets them know you are serious.
Responding to Narcissist Ex
When you are deciding whether or not you want to maintain contact with a narcissistic ex, the most important thing you want to remember is to keep yourself safe.
If you are really concerned about a narcissist who keeps texting you (i.e stalking you), it’s important for you to understand the risk that our technology can put us in. With the current use of GPS systems and applications narcissistic stalkers can have access to you without you realizing it. [3] It can put people in precarious situations when they are being stalked by a narcissistic ex who refuses to move on.
You want to make sure that your partner or spouse never installed one of those people tracker applications like “find my family.” If they did either remove it or turn it off. With all this technology it can present challenges when you are trying to avoid someone.
Ultimately it’s important for you to learn to listen to your gut instincts when it comes to whether or not you will respond to your narcissistic ex. The longer you continue to remain in contact with that person, the harder it will be for you to move on and meet someone new. It’s up to you.
Last Message to a Narcissist
If you have decided to cut ties with your narcissistic ex then I highly recommend that your last message be clear, concise and respectful. Never stoop to their level. Never resort to name calling. Be the bigger person and walk away with high honor and elegance. Never let someone pull you down to their level. And, seek forgiveness for yourself and the narcissist so that you can move forward and not be shackled to the pain of your past.
Text from a Narcissist: Do You Really Need to Reply?
No, you don’t ever have to reply to anyone. Only respond if you organically desire to continue the communication with this person. You do not have to be guilted into continuing a connection you no longer have a desire to be in.
Sources:
[1] Stalking Fact Sheet – https://www.stalkingawareness.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/SPARC_StalkngFactSheet_2018_FINAL.pdf
[2] Stalkers turn to cell phones to ‘textually harass’ – By Carolyn Thompson https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna29493158
[3] Stalking and Cyberstalking by Vincennes University https://www.vinu.edu/stalking-and-cyberstalking
